“I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”-Eric Roth
Have you ever gotten so far off track that it is difficult to tell who you truly are and whose you truly are?
Have you ever just stopped and wondered, “How in the world did I get HERE?”
I had one of those moments last night.
Truthfully, it has been a difficult few months for me. With the stress of nursing school and keeping up with relationships during this busy time, I have slowly but surely lost track of who I am and more importantly WHOSE I am.
Busyness became my identity, and it became a shadow in which I could hide from the REAL condition of my heart.
I think in today’s world, it is so easy to hide. It is so easy to numb.
You can simply find things to make you busy, and suddenly the weight of your feelings and hurts and struggles don’t feel quite as heavy anymore.
At least, temporarily.
I have had two weeks off from nursing school and you would think that at this current moment I would feel refreshed, rejuvenated, rested…?
Currently, I feel completely worn out, exhausted, stressed out, busy, and SICK.
I NEVER get sick, yet this morning I woke up feeling absolutely terrible and it was such a huge reality check for me. I have been running myself into the ground with things that need to be done that I forgot what I really needed to be doing during this time…rest.
These past two weeks I cleaned my room, purged everything I own, cleaned my car, went to Arizona, worked on my blog, made a bunch of mugs for my etsy shop, worked out a bunch, cooked, shopped, cleaned some more, organized to no end.
I wrote a bunch of to-do lists and crossed everything off of them.
I thought incessantly about all of the things I needed to do/buy/fix that would make me feel happier.
I made “vision boards” for how I wanted my wardrobe to look and my body to look.
I obsessed over how I could feel more happy, fulfilled, content, etc.
And you know what I DIDN’T do once?
Talk with Jesus. Sit with Him and BE STILL. Read the word. Journal. Just rest in His presence.
NOT ONCE. Until last night.
Last night, I finally was able to attend Young Adults which is the ministry I am blessed to be a part of. I met with Jesus during worship in a radical way and He and I decided it was time for a RADICAL CHANGE.
You see, I have let the world define what I need to “get done” in a day for far too long. I am quite frankly EXHAUASTED and even my physical body is failing me as a result. I have let the world define what I need to look like, dress like, be like. I am just so tired.
I don’t exactly know what this new “me” will look like. I know Jesus and I still have a lot of figuring out to do. But I do know this, there are some practical things I am going to implement into my life to reprioritize what truly matters:
1.) Spend 30 minutes at night before bed with Jesus. Phone off. Candles lit. Just me and Him and the word. A true date with Him, with absolutely no distractions.
2.) No more watching TV shows while falling asleep. Jesus revealed to me last night that I am afraid of the quiet. It makes me uncomfortable, but He wants to meet me there. So last night was the first night in about a year I fell asleep without my netflix playing in the background. I plan to keep that up.
3.) Declutter, not add clutter. It’s time to stop buying unnecessary things to just fill my space and my heart with. I have decided to take a break from buying material things (only necessities) and instead focus on being GRATEFUL for what I do have.
4.) Be AWARE of God throughout the day. I am talking ACUTELY aware of His voice and His blessings in the day-to-day. Like the birds chirping and the smell of flowers kind-of-aware. I just want to STOP MISSING IT.
5.) Be mindful. Truly taste my food and just live SLOW. I want to take it all in. This life is so glorious and I have been missing the mark lately.
So, these are some practical things I am doing to try to RECONNECT again. I want to live a life of connection. I want to be deeply rooted and grounded in His love for me. Nothing else matters. NOTHING.
So today, if you find yourself in a similar boat, I hope you have the courage to start anew. His mercies are new. And He is always waiting for you to come back home.